I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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