if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
