1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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