i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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