im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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