trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
