____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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