Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
