Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
