I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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