Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
