As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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