He kissed a someone with a penis
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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