Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Operation Purity has been aborted
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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