The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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