Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
