Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He kissed a someone with a penis
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
So many bounce houses so little time
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
