His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
