Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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