I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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