If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
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You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
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Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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