He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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