i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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