my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
