She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
