Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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