I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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