I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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