Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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