maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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