Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
