the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
