bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
