I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
