How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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