plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
