She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
