you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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