My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
im holly from the hills drunk
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
