I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
