I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
