omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
