I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i will never coherently bang her
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
