I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
We are all done wearing pants today
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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