If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
