dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
