I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
