She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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