If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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