You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
