so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
