Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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