seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
