This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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