she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
