I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
