Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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